Two

I saw the worst vagina I've ever seen in my life last night and I've seen a hell of a lot of vaginas in my five years working as a stripper.

A lot of clubs have open dance rooms so you're watching another girl give a lap dance as you're doing your thing. Also, this only seems to apply in stripper world, no one shuts the door in the bathroom even to insert tampons. I held a whole conversation last night as I watched my friend try to untangle the toilet roll that he had gotten stuck in her clit piercing and I didn't even register that this was weird. On my first shift as a stripper a girl bent over in front of me and asked if I could see the tampon string she had pushed up inside (stripper period trick). Not a night goes by when someone doesn't ask to see my bits to comment on how nice they find my labia/clit/whatever compared to theirs. Where I'm going with this is that I've seen more vagina than youporn so I would class myself as a sort of lady bits connoisseur.

A few weeks ago I was having my weekly rage to my manager about the fact that the ugly girls seem to be making more money at the moment. His words were "I always employ a disgusting fat mess and she always makes a killing, wait until you see the new girl Jenny. *fake retches* Her fanny is so bad I want to set it on fire." This is the man whose motivational speeches include "you're so shit on the pole that you might as well be a fireman", "you look pregnant, you fat bitch", "you're so pale you look like an AIDS victim, get a tan" so I tend to ignore him most of the time.

I was in the changing room last night slavering myself in fake tan (following the AIDS victim comment) when a large red haired girl walked in. There's a lot of girls in clubs who don't exactly have a Victoria's Secret model body but this girl was actually huge. She got changed in to some stunning red underwear and stockings, and she looked pretty hot if larger girls are your thing. I noticed her coming towards me in the mirror, I smiled and she opened the conversation with "I have something you all don't have." I replied with a look, the sort of look that manages to say both "ok? Weird introduction" and "don't be cheeky if that's where this is going". At this she yanks her underwear to the side to display a massive seventies style ginger pubic bush.

I'd like the give thanks to my brain for reacting internally and keeping my face completely neutral as the voice inside my head screamed "oh dear god no!" I stammered "oh. Right. Are you the only girl under 50 in the UK with pubes?" She then goes "yes but look" and spreads her vagina. I use the word vagina loosely, this beast of a fanny was not something you would expect to see if you did a quick lookup on google of the word "vagina". There were bits I didn't even know could exist. I'm actually not convinced that this wasn't an alien being that has attached itself and is controlling her like a puppet. She proudly explained "men love it, they get such a fright that they make their friend's get a dance as well".

The barman later told me that my manager had forced him have a lap dance from her as her audition. She allegedly lay on the floor and made herself squirt after three seconds. At this his eyes went dark. His exact words "I can't have a one night stand anymore. What if I get down there and it looks like that?"

One

I don't even know where to start, not one day goes by where I don't have a multitude of utter insanity to talk about. From the second you walk in to life as a stripper you realise that the girls and the staff are all bat-shit crazy, sooner or later you come to accept that you're one of them.

My life might be hectic and utterly bizarre but I wouldn't change it for the world. If I could do a Dorian Gray and stay young forever I would never stop taking my clothes off for money.

I've talked about my life as a stripper a few times and all audiences just sit there in disbelief, it may seem far-fetched and insane but I promise you that everything on this blog is real.